Discouraged

I realized there is beauty even in the dark when I found this image of the aurora borealis or Northern lights. A good thing for me to keep in mind while energy is low.

Discouragement. Majorly discouraged about job hunting. It seems pretty likely now that I did not get the contract I interviewed for.

The interview was not terrible. The interviewer was personable and talkative, and actually knew the project he was hiring for, which is not a given at all. One problem I ran into was that the job description I had did not match the actual project he is hiring for. The project was documenting some database functionality for developers, so they could build a new one incorporating all the existing functions.

But the job description was very generic - looking for plain language, ability to write to different audiences, both online and print - it sounded like I was writing for end-user employees. So I brought as a sample my work for end-users. This is the kind of work I usually do. However I have also written for system administrators, so if I'd known, at least I'd have brought in the right samples.

I did feel comfortable in my suit - a small but important point.

I think I actually came across as someone with good social skills but not enough technical skills. In fact, it's usually the opposite - I don't have trouble figuring out the technology - it's the people skills that sometimes pose a problem for me.

Well, it's only one interview and I should not be discouraged. You never know with interviews.

This morning I went to the library and worked more on the system in my book, Get Hired Now. I downloaded the worksheets and started filling them out.

One goal of having this system is to have a concrete plan for each day's job search. That's a good idea for me, as I try a little of this, a little of that and then give up, unfortunately.

The book says you should focus on just a few areas of job searching at a time, and keep pursuing these areas for 28 days before changing the plan. Then you get results because of 'persistence effect'. Voodoo magic - but the authors claim they have seen it work over and over again.

You choose from various menus and sub-menus of activities to plan your month. I charged ahead, but ended up misreading something and completing the sheet incorrectly. At which point I gave up in frustration.

No, actually, I'm just taking a breather and will return to it tomorrow.

My area of effort is 'Generating contacts and leads' and part of that is attending events, like I did on the weekend.

In other news, I learned a sad thing yesterday. My former psychiatrist passed away. I tried to get a prescription renewed, and his phone had been disconnected, so I looked him up and he had passed away. I don't think he was even 60.

Even though I was angry with him and he did misdiagnose me, I know he was trying to help. I did have many appointments with him about nine years ago, and got to know him well.

May he rest in peace.

So now I will need to be med free, unless I find another psych. I don't take a lot of medication, only a small amount in emergencies, but it's awfully helpful when I need it.

Art: Canadian Association of Aboriginal Entrepreneurship

Networking lessons

Following through on my vow to increase my socializing and perhaps even network, Sunday I went to a meetup lunch in an Indian restaurant in a market area downtown. Twenty-five complete strangers and moi.

I was full of anticipatory anxiety, but had no real excuse to keep me from going. Depression, fatigue and anxiety were all more or less under control. I did make a last ditch attempt to have a friend come with me, but she declined, so off I went by myself.

I didn't do too badly. I'd say my social skills have really improved in the last three years especially. At one time, I would rather have been shot at dawn (or something) than go to an event full of strangers. But if I'm ever to get a job or a date, job being a tad more urgent, I'm going to have to get my butt out that door and talking to people.

We were all sitting at two very long tables. The good thing with this is everyone does want to introduce themselves and they wish to chit chat. So it's not like trying to talk to people who maybe don't want to be disturbed.

I sat next to a good looking Turkish man, across from an older gentleman with glasses, and on the other side one half of a couple. The couple were an academic and his much younger girlfriend. The girlfriend was very shy and talked in a very soft voice, and seemed enthralled whenever the prof voiced his opinions, which was often. Sigh. I felt sorry for her and irritated by him. I hate it when these 'clever' type of men with good jobs hitch up with younger, insecure women who worship  their intellect. Well, that could be my own background coming through.

I talked a lot with the Turkish man, who was very outgoing and actually pretty funny too. He's not for me, but it was a relief to have someone to chat with. The couple spent quite a bit of time chatting with each other, so that left not a lot of opportunity at first to talk with them. Why bother going to an event, then sitting with a significant other, and chatting as if you were alone in Starbucks? Whoa - i'm in a snippy mood.

It is very hard for me, but I was as social as anyone else. I even tried drawing the girlfriend out a bit, and she whispered a bit with me. The older man wanted to talk about other meetups he'd been to, and about beer, and would have talked about his Nikon camera but I didn't ask him about it.

The Turkish fellow said he owned a franchise of schools up in the north of the province, and had just returned from there. Towards the end of the lunch, he launched into a very detailed argument with the professor about American politics. I made a few comments, but mostly just ate and let them hash it out. I have found that middle eastern men are extremely interested in the ins and outs of politics, both foreign and domestic.

My lunch was really nice - saag paneer, my favorite, with a delicious slightly salty nan. That's a creamy spinach dish with soft unripened cheese and freshly baked flat-bread, in case you're not familiar with Indian food.

At the end, I gave my business card to the shy girlfriend, as she is in web-design, somewhat related to tech writing, and the older gentleman, who gave me his. I didn't give one to handsome outgoing Turkish guy because I thought he might misunderstand....Silly, maybe, but men do.

I've been reading about networking, and this is not exactly what you're supposed to do apparently. It's better to find people you think maybe can help you, and find some way of helping them. So I have to get other people's cards, if I think they can help me or we have established common ground, and then I can follow up. Without follow up, nothing happens - we just forget each other.

Sigh. It's all very complex. But it's a learning process, and my first step is to get out there and keep polishing those social skills. Probably it would have been better not to judge that couple. It's none of my business anyway. I need to concentrate on just being positive perhaps. But this prof didn't like me either. So it was a two way street? But perhaps if I hadn't judged him he would have liked me.

Also, I paid for the lunch from my business account. Networking is business, I think. We'll see what the tax guy thinks at the end of the year. Makes me feel better about the expense.

Art: Dinner at the Swan, Robert Beck

Job hunting

I have been re-thinking my job-hunting approach. Well, for the last two days anyway. I got a book out of the library, which has a kind of complicated plan for getting work. One big tip though which comes through throughout is that to get work, you need to know people. If you don't know people, start meeting them.

The book basically advises not to bother with ads in papers or internet. This has not been my only approach, but it's been a big part of it. And for all the ads I've answered in the last two months, how many responses have I received? None.

So that seems to be correct - ads are not getting me anywhere. The purpose they serve though is to make me believe I'm doing something. If I stop answering ads, what chance do I have? How can I believe I am trying?

It is a relief though to give up on ads. Because sending out resumes in this pathetically futile way is beyond depressing and hopeless. I need to focus on something that might help me.

Well, not sure what that is to tell the truth. But I signed up for a bunch of networking groups today, and also a hiking group and signed up for a movie outing. At least I'll be out meeting people.

Though who knows if when it comes down to it, I'll be able to make myself go? I hope I will go. I need to picture going out to events as a good and positive thing where I may have fun, and at worst, nothing dangerous will happen. I will be fine, even if I don't have fun.

Tomorrow I have an interview which I got through a recruiter. It's for a company I've worked for before, though I don't know the interviewer. All they have to do is walk along the floor and ask my former managers what they think....

Today I was depressed from therapy. No EMDR but we talked about my family which believe me, is very depressing. I am maybe grieving that I never had a family who loved me. But this is grown-up stuff - I'm not full of the emotions that a child would have felt. It's quite different - not as overwhelming. It's me the grown-up who had a difficult time as a child.

But I did not prepare for the interview. I just didn't care much. I do desperately want work, but couldn't overcome the depression enough to prepare for this interview. Though I am trying to visualize it positively, as a good conversation, with a pleasant person who is pleased to meet me.

I think the best I can do is to try and cheer up enough to seem like a normal person with some social skills. At least I bought the suit, so I don't have to worry about what to wear. Maybe I'll take along one manual I've written, instead of dragging in a portfolio. They haven't asked to see writing samples anyway, so one will do. I can see to that in the morning.

In this very large company, being personable is huge - they are very big on conveying professionalism and being able to seamlessly fit in. Never seem different or in any way abrasive. So being in a good friendly mood is big.

A lot will depend on who interviews me - I bet all the candidates will be qualified, so it will come down to who the guy wants. Most likely.

Anyway my plan for the future is to go to more events and meet people. Of course it costs money to go out, so if I truly run out of money, I won't be able to continue. But I figure it may be a good investment to keep going out. With  a few business cards tucked in my wallet just in case.

I did get my last job because I knew a developer, met at a support group of all things. But I figure I'll have an even better chance if I hang out with more functional type people at regular events. I'll pretend to be normal and functional. Maybe it'll take.

EMDR four

Another EMDR session last week, and I'm just mentioning it now because as usual, it threw me for a loop as they say, and I've been functioning poorly since then.

The attacks that gave me PTSD happened to me as a very young child, and I blocked out a good deal of it. Because I was so young, the memories that come back are extremely confused. I guess as a young child, I just didn't know what to make of what was happening, so the experiences aren't that recognizable. Or something. I don't know.

So in therapy I talked a bit about my week, and my problems with the walk last Sunday. So Ms T suggested EMDR while I remembered how I felt on the walk when I was exhausted in the middle of it. It's kind of an emotional experience - one emotion, exhaustion (if that's an emotion) leads to another, anger, which leads to more anger and then hurt and sadness.

I saw some images but they were fairly benign - I was on a family outing for instance.

Ms T stops every minute or so (she's waving her arm in front of me and I'm following her hand with my eyes) and checks in, so I tell her what is happening. I simply breathe, follow her hand, and allow emotions or whatever to surface.

After a few of these check-ins, I'd had enough. I knew I would not be functional at home, so even though Ms T encouraged me to continue, I decided I'd had enough.

I seem to be remembering the edges of the experience - I seemed to be trying to tell my mother about it, and she got angry with me, because I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to explain the problem. My mother is not comfortable with emotions anyway, and I'm sure she would have been angry at this unexplained upset. My mother cared - she wanted me to tell her what the problem was, but when I couldn't, she got angry with me. Which probably caused me to implode - not to bother trying to tell her what was wrong, but keep it inside as much as possible.

After therapy, I'd planned to listen to a guided meditation tape I have bought for the purpose of calming down and feeling less distressed. I didn't. It turns out you need some degree of hope to listen to a meditation tape, and that hope was lacking. I just curled up in bed and stayed there for the rest of the day I think. Maybe I slept some. Actually listening to a meditation seemed beyond my strength.

Friday I again came down with stomache distress, so hung out in bed mostly. I did find listening to our public radio was doable - I actually had a lot of patience, and listened to some programs I usually find boring. Even the late night 'new music' program held my interest. I could have emotional pain, but also listen, which was good. To do more, I would have had to suppress everything, but just listening hit the spot.

This time, by resting a lot, I didn't come down with a full blown illness, yahoo. I'm maybe getting the hang of this. Kind of riding the wave somewhat.

Wednesday I again have therapy, and am not sure I want to go back to EMDR. Friday I have an interview for a contract, and cannot be in despair at that time, for one thing. I'll see. Maybe I'll ask Ms T how long she sees this EMDR process lasting. Probably she'll say she doesn't know.

Recovering from therapy kind of takes all week.

Fractal image from: Digital Expressionism

A Sunday walk

Sunday I went for a walk with a local walking group. I was finally able to carry out a plan I'd made and go to an event I wished to go to, which was good. It's been a challenge lately to make it anywhere because of my fatigue.

The weather was picture-perfect - sun, blue skies, red and orange and yellow leaves...It was good to be outdoors. For some reason, mainly women sign up for walks. Why is that? There were two men, one of whom is a pal of mine, the other who has some kind of disability. So I ended up walking beside and chatting with one woman who is from the former Yugoslavia. It turned out that she is a music teacher in the public schools.

I felt best just sticking with her and finding out a bit about her. We fairly quickly started talking about men and the lack thereof - we were both sometimes dating. I think a fair number of the women on the walk are single and looking. I'm not looking very hard myself, but once in a while, I go out with someone.

Anyhow, she told me quite a complicated story of her various loves and how they hadn't worked out. People go through a lot. I don't divulge that much when I've just met someone, but I'm a sympathetic listener, so people do tell me stuff quite a bit I find. It's kind of nice to be trusted like that.

This was exercise, so of course my difficulties with PTSD surfaced. About half way through the walk, I felt like I hit a wall of fatigue and had to sit down. I would actually have laid down if that had been possible. This is what my flashbacks, if that is what they should be called, are like. I felt it impossible to go on making conversation, very fatigued and separate from everything around me. Something inside of me gets stimulated by exercise, and then I seem to completely shut down.

It was kind of disturbing, because for one thing, I had to continue the walk as there was no other way back. I kind of dropped away towards the back of the group, letting my companion wander off without me. She must have thought I was suddenly unfriendly.

Luckily, I had some emergency medication along. I quickly chugged a half a pill, trying to be inconspicuous about it. I knew that it would take effect in half an hour. When I'm having these problems, I'm never entirely sure that it is a flashback - could I just be amazingly fatigued all of a sudden, and feeling like being by myself?

In half an hour, when the med kicked in, I suddenly felt a lot better. This med is a type of tranquilizer, also used as heart medication. Suddenly I had enough energy to finish the walk, and I felt a whole lot more cheerful.

Also, the man who is a pal of mine, I was able to chit chat with him a bit. He knows I have anxiety, so I told him I had had a bit of an 'attack' of anxiety, but hopefully the med would kick in. I don't have much fear of what this friend thinks of me, so I found we could chat even though I was feeling extremely odd. He has certain difficulties himself and I don't feel inferior.

We started helping a fellow walker who was having trouble with a sore ankle, by helping her down muddy hills and such, and she was very appreciative and cheerful. I said I was getting tired as well, so we were walking slowly together. Of course, she was 20 years older than I am, but oh well. Suffering is suffering no matter what causes it.

Well, I perked up amazingly and finished the walk with no trouble. I even went out afterwards for a tea and met a few more of the walkers. Though thinking back, I should probably have gone straight home, as the med wore off and I again became very tired.

The next day I was very tired again. It seems unfair that just taking part in a normal activity should wipe me out to such an extent. If I was working, I wouldn't be able to do these things. And I'm healthy and in my late forties - there is no physical reason why I shouldn't be able to go for an afternoon's walk.

It's the PTSD that is bothering me. I know that. I like to keep denying it, because it doesn't make a lot of sense to me, but I know that's what it is. I need to keep working on the flashbacks in therapy, so they can stop bothering me. My next session, I'm ready to get back into it.

Photo: Boston.com

Nun magic

Broken Brain - Brilliant Mind is a blog where BB writes quite fascinatingly about dealing with TBI (traumatic brain injury) and PTSD. I don't suffer from TBI, but still find it interesting how BB adapts to his challenges in getting his brain to help him and not hinder. I similarly find life a challenge with my brain doing wild and crazy things which hinder me from accomplishing the great things I would otherwise do.  Ahem.

In a recent post, Does Blogging Make Me Brilliant?, BB discusses a study that suggests that yes, blogging is quite possibly increasing the amount of neuronal connections in our brains. Isn't that a nice thing to contemplate? By considering our lives in print (OK in cyberspace), we may be not only becoming smarter but also more likely to move into old age with all of our wits intact.

The impetus for this is The Nun Study, a study of a group of nuns in the States who live longer and more actively than the general population. One of the habits the good nuns have is to keep a daily spiritual journal. It is hypothesized that this activity actually increases the number of connections in the brain.

When the nuns were autopsied, the doctors were surprised to find that some had lesions and damage from strokes and even damage from Alzheimers that would be expected to cause them to lose mental alertness. However, in life, the nuns had remained fully alert and active.

So keeping a journal or blog is likely good for our health. Of course, the type of blog may be an issue. Keeping a celebrity sitings blog or recipe blog may not do the trick. The nuns were engaged in honest self-examination on a daily basis. So the tortured, or rambling, or seemingly self-absorbed blogs may all be beneficial, as long as they are an honest attempt to detail our experiences. Likely literary quality does not matter. To your neurons. Maybe to your readers.

Do head over to BB's blog for more details and more explanation.

Detailing our lives and problems may seem self-indulgent sometimes. But it may be that this is an activity that is mentally and physically very beneficial. So keep blogging everyone. You're doing a good thing.

Art: Piero Della Francesca, Augustinian Nun

Tossed salad and scrambled eggs

Today I had planned to go to a movie with a meetup group. I wanted to see Where the Wild Things Are, which is a fabulous picture book I remember reading to my son, and is now a movie with appeal to adults also. Plus I wanted to keep practicing socializing with new people and being comfortable in groups. It didn't happen.

My excuse is that I slept extremely badly last night, so felt exhausted, and with weird little stomach pains. Maybe it's a good excuse, maybe not, but I just couldn't get myself out the door. Instead I heated some leftovers and watched three episodes of The West Wing which I'd borrowed from the library. I'm so interested in this show. It gives a kind of an insiders view of politics, where nothing is black and white, and only tiny bits of progress are ever made. I guess I picture myself as one of the white house staff, wise cracking on the one hand, spouting policy on the other, and desperately idealistic underneath it all. Well, it's a daydream, obviously.

This afternoon, after a walk, I read a novel and listened to the Saturday afternoon opera in the background. I realized today that having an opera in the background can be quite soothing. It's like an organizing force or something - music is metred, at least the type I listen to, and it's got this soothing effect. I'm not an opera fan really - they are so long and in a foreign language - but I'm going to start putting on the radio on Saturday afternoons if I'm at home.

A friend called me in the afternoon, and I could hear it on in the background. When I asked about it, she said she likes it because it's not in English, so she can have it on in the background and read and it doesn't disturb her. That's how I got the idea.

I'm looking for some things to make me feel better, so that's one thing. I'm getting depressed what with not sleeping and then having no energy to do things. I just need to keep on trying. Actually once I started making supper, I went on to a few other tasks, and definitely started feeling better. Not doing things is depressing. Or getting even just the porch swept gives a bit of a feeling of accomplishment.

I had been starting to wake up less often at night, and for a few days last week, felt almost normal. So last night was a set-back. I think I may have become over tired - I did a lot on Friday. And then I saw a stressful friend in the evening, which didn't help me sleep peacefully. I value this friend for her intelligence and other good qualities. For instance, she is the only friend I have who reads fiction, as I do. It's amazing how few people read. But, she also stresses me out as she is liable to jump on me for being illogical or for having a different opinion from hers. So I'm walking on eggshells a bit, when she is around. Which stresses me out sometimes. Friends are mixtures of qualities - we have to accept some not so good with the good.

I've been going to a new PTSD information type group Friday mornings. It's OK. I want to do what I can to heal, and these information groups are what is on offer to people on waiting lists for therapy or therapy groups. I'd like to be able to chat a bit with the other participants, but the group is structured so that you listen to the social worker present information on a particular topic. I know they don't want to get into anyone's personal stuff, but I'd think we could socialize a bit.

So those groups stir things up for me, and I feel a bit triggered afterwards. One of the topics was on how to avoid triggers. I almost said, well, I'd best avoid this group then...but restrained myself. Ha ha. It's true though. Do they think we aren't reminded of why we're there in the group, just because we're not supposed to talk about it? Who knows.

In therapy for the last two weeks, I have avoided EMDR and it's 'time machine' effect. The first week, Ms T didn't even suggest it, as I told her I was waking up every two hours. The second week, I just told her, I'm just getting some more normal sleep, and I can't do any more for now in case I stop sleeping again. Without sleep, I can't really cope. So we talked about my family, mostly, what they're like, how I react. It's great just to talk about concerns with someone with some insight. Plus she's getting paid to listen to me and hopefully not be bored. Then after therapy, I feel fine. None of this long recovery that is needed after my dives into my past.

I can't heal from PTSD without going back to the dark past it seems. But I need to do it slowly. Me falling apart isn't going to do my healing any good.

And in other news, I was very proud of myself on Friday, for making some very dreaded cold calls. I have my company website set up, so I've been researching and emailing local software companies with a link to the site. I'm keeping track of who I email on a spreadsheet with phone numbers, and have been intending to call the companies also.

Friday I bit the bullet and called 12 companies. I was extremely scared. First I napped (good avoidance strategy). Then I took a small amount of medication. Had some tea and a snack. Finally, I picked up the phone.

It wasn't too bad. I got through to a person in about half the companies. Three people were interested enough to give me their email address so I could send them an email and link to my site. They might need someone in the future.

No one was angry, though one guy was impatient. Two people seemed actually happy to speak to me - they were both in marketing, if that has anything to do with it. They must be nice to callers in general.

It's good to remember that sometimes I will get a pleasant reception, and rudeness is actually rare. I'm very low key - I just try and find out who I should speak to, say briefly what I do, and ask if I could send them some info. I'm not at all aggressive. Just putting my business out there to those who might need it.

I have to admit, I was basically scared the whole time. That's why I stopped after 12 calls. But I also was on a nice high for about an hour afterwards, just so pleased that I'd carried out my plan and started calling companies.

I must keep it up next week. I need work soon.