Embracing shyness

Jamie Ridler Studios asks today: What do you wish to embrace?

I wish to embrace my shyness. Wait a minute - aren't I struggling to overcome social anxiety, sometimes called shyness? I think shyness is a little different, so I want to get over the anxiety, but become 'successfully shy'.

A successfully shy person doesn't stay away from people because she is afraid. She goes among people, and talks, but when she stops wanting to talk, is OK with being quiet. A successfully shy person will warm up to people slowly, but allows the warming up to take place.

Shy can mean observant, thoughtful and kind. Shyness doesn't run roughshod over others, shouting 'me  me me'. Shy is out there, quietly, observing and taking part.

Today I embrace my shyness.

Show off

'So do you know how to make web pages?' my friend asked oh so innocently. Do I know how? I went into painful detail about what I know about web pages, what to do, where to go, how much to pay, how to code, what editor to use, etc etc...

While I was talking, I vaguely noticed that I was becoming more and more anxious. My throat became tighter, my breathing faster, and I felt I was in some kind of danger. This was in one part of my mind. In the other part, I was happily showing off.

After I had caught my breath, I quickly changed the subject. Nice as it was to be 'the one with the knowledge', it wasn't worth the anxiety that went with my explications.

In my family, it was vital to have a lot of knowledge. My college professor dad and my bookworm mother together drummed into us children that the way to be in the world was to know a lot. Dinner would frequently be interrupted by the instruction to look something up in the encyclopaedia or the dictionary. Spouting facts, authorities and long-dead authors was the way to get attention.

As my social anxiety developed more and more, it seemed to me that in order to talk to people, I had to have a great store of knowledge and information about whatever was under discussion. My job would then be to spout some information and be valued for that.

I no longer believe that I must be in the know. At least, most of me believes that. In a conversation, once someone knows it all and tells it all, it stops being a conversation and becomes a lecture.

Every once in a while, I once again fall into this trap. Sure, if someone wants some information I have, I can share a bit. But usually the question is more social than anything, not a request for enlightenment. Or the person asking the question wants to know one particular thing about the subject, not all there is to know about it.

Spouting off information does start to make me anxious. In this case, I think that's a good thing. It's my better self trying to reign in the show off and say whoa, wait a minute. What's really going on here? What does this person really want to know about this? Why not ask him?

If I start to feel anxious in a conversation, I want to stop sooner. I can just breathe for a moment. Catch my breath and myself. And respond appropriately, as one person in a dialogue, not a know-it-all who has to show off.

Pic: Toronto park in October

Easy weekend

I have been watching quite a few movies on TV this weekend. This is not the sort of person I wish to be. I have a very good novel waiting for me, for one thing. I wish to be the sort of woman who reads long and complex novels in the evenings, and never touches the TV except when utterly exhausted from terribly difficult work.

Well, I am not that woman. This morning, I tuned into Bridget Jones Diary, which I liked the first time I saw it in the theatre. Bridget is likeable - ditzy but good hearted. Well, kind of annoying after a while. What does Colim Firth (sp?), international rights lawyer, see in old Bridget, admin assistant with ADD?

The movie cheered me up though. I feel like I need light and cheerful things.

I met two friends for lunch - we had coupons for 15 dollars off each, hurray. So I spent about seven more including tip for a full meal at a nice place. We then walked around the city for a bit - the Santa Claus parade was just finishing, so we milled about with hundreds of small screaming toddlers and their frazzled parents.

We saw the Christmas windows, went to a few stores, and then home. I have decided it is more fun to meet with friends than to go to events with strangers. Though I will persevere with the events, because I wish to become comfortable with more people.

I am also enjoying just goofing off with friends that I like but don't share a lot in common with. So no intense discussions of films or therapy or art - just bumming around, laughing at jokes. That is most relaxing. I used to have only intense types of friendships, but I no longer seek those out. It's hard to have fun while being intense. And my intense friendships are prone to explosions ending the friendship.

Yesterday I met another friend, E, at a tiny middle-eastern tea shop. I sipped Blood of Pigeon tea and had a really nice confection - kind of shortbread with walnuts and honey in the middle. No real blood is involved - it's a most delicious tea, a blend of mint and something else, reddish, and they sweeten the tea for you.

E. has just taken a big step and bought a house on her own. She's worried she has done the wrong thing, so I tried to be encouraging. To me this seems like a really good move for her. She has a secure well-paying job, and is very responsible and steady. The house is small and includes an apartment to help pay the mortgage. Good for her I say. I am somewhat envious. Can't wait to see it.

Another friend, P, told me last week that she was having severe anxiety attacks, but hadn't told me at the time because I am 'fragile'. I was kind of offended. Really, if you want understanding and knowledgeable advice about anxiety, talk to a mental patient. Not that I am exactly a 'mental patient', but I have my troubles, and I've educated myself about things 'mental'.

To be fair, I wouldn't go to P. with emotional turmoil either, because she can be pretty harsh about matters of feeling. So why feel hurt when she goes everywhere but to me with her trouble...It does go both ways. Perhaps she also feels I am harsh. Or just a mental basket case who shouldn't be stressed...Who cares. Well, this is a very old friend and an example of previous more intense types of friendships. Not working so well.

I ended my Sunday by watching Hugh Grant in About a Boy, a movie I really like. I don't think I'd ever seen the whole thing before. Grant has such a silly hair style, and lives in a ridiculous condo, and is not that likeable...He does unlikeable really well, while I find him insufferable as a romantic lead.

And in the commercials, I finally got out the dreaded vacuum cleaner and vacuumed the couch and small rug. And swiffered my floors. And watered the poor bedraggled plant. And found the camera manual so I could download my pics from the last three months. The instructions for downloading are a little complex and I always forget them in between. I'm glad I watched the movie and finally vacuumed my place. And finally downloaded my pics.

Tomorrow a friend is coming to help me re-install my OS. That should hopefully fix my computer issues. Yes, things are looking up.

Pic:  Taken in the park last weekend

My well-spent weekend

I had a sociable eventful weekend. We've been enjoying an Indian summer here and I'm really glad to say I've been out and about and making the most of it.

Saturday instead of my usual local walk around my neighbourhood I drove a bit so I could walk through a different section of town. With summery weather, I headed to one of my favorite city parks and had a stroll there. Then stopped in a cafe that's known for its croissants and had an Americano with a croissant with honey. They were all out of my favorite, the fig croissant.

This cafe is quite an arty place, with young hipsters grabbing a pastry or one of their fancy tiny cakes. Usually I read when alone in a cafe, but it was entertaining this time to just people watch, both in the cafe and out on the street. I felt energized just being among the young creative types. And there were a few oldsters around to keep me company as well.

Later I grabbed a bench in the park and made some progress on the mystery I'm currently reading - By the Time you Read This, by a Canadian, Giles Blunt. He has a flowing style and good characters. The detective is a policeman who has a bipolar wife who is a photographer. It's an interesting light read.

In the evening I went along to my women's movie group, which has just had a change of leadership and is now admitting men also. There were two of the male species along.

The movie was lovely - Cairo Time, actually also made in Canada and so little seen. It's a quiet movie about an older woman (my age) who visits Cairo, planning to meet her husband. Her husband is delayed, so instead she is driven around the city by Tariq, her husband's friend. You get such a lovely view of the city as they meander through it. Tariq and the wife fall for each other very gradually and lightly. Anyway, it's nice to see a middle aged woman as the lead in a movie, who is having a good life.

We went for a discussion afterwards. I found the social aspect so difficult this time. I guess I was used to taking half a pill of my favorite medication, a beta blocker, and that used to make things so much easier for me. I managed to talk a bit during the discussion, but felt a lot of anxiety, not to say fear. The people were pleasant, and the whole thing was very low key, but I couldn't relax. It was as if I was in some kind of danger and had to pretend everything was fine. I don't think that makes a good impression on anyone.

Now that I no longer have a prescription, I'm trying to save the few pills I have left for emergencies such as flashbacks. I do not need the pills for when I'm with people I know, though I used to. So I have made progress. But for going out and chatting with strangers - I don't know how to stop feeling afraid. I suspect repetition is not going to help by itself.

On Sunday I went for a 10 km walk with my walking group. Again I was horribly nervous about having no one to talk to. There's nothing worse than doing a group activity where everyone else is chatting and being alone the whole time. Some time alone is fine. But I would feel like a loser being quiet the whole time.

Luckily a friend I know well was part of the group. Theoretically, we planned to walk with others to practice socializing. But I just wasn't up to it, so we walked along together. Which made the whole expedition suddenly seem friendly and manageable.

After an hour or so, we got to chatting with a few other women on the walk, so got to socialize with new people as well.

The day was absolutely beautiful weather wise. I'm glad I was outside.

I was med free until the very end of the walk. Then because I was physically tired, my issues kind of kicked in, and I did take half a pill to see me through. Sigh.

I think it's more beneficial for me to keep socializing, even if I need a bit of medication to do so, than to avoid groups altogether. I don't see a way forward to being more relaxed right now without any meds. And quite honestly, I think most people with social anxiety do not go to these types of groups. So I'm going to give myself credit for the attempt, and count this as a successful weekend.

Today, Monday, I feel tired but, well, fulfilled. I didn't hide from the world. That's kind of satisfying.

Computer issues, so it takes forever to post a pic. I'll be back to finding images for my posts soon I hope, once my computer is fixed.

Discouraged

I realized there is beauty even in the dark when I found this image of the aurora borealis or Northern lights. A good thing for me to keep in mind while energy is low.

Discouragement. Majorly discouraged about job hunting. It seems pretty likely now that I did not get the contract I interviewed for.

The interview was not terrible. The interviewer was personable and talkative, and actually knew the project he was hiring for, which is not a given at all. One problem I ran into was that the job description I had did not match the actual project he is hiring for. The project was documenting some database functionality for developers, so they could build a new one incorporating all the existing functions.

But the job description was very generic - looking for plain language, ability to write to different audiences, both online and print - it sounded like I was writing for end-user employees. So I brought as a sample my work for end-users. This is the kind of work I usually do. However I have also written for system administrators, so if I'd known, at least I'd have brought in the right samples.

I did feel comfortable in my suit - a small but important point.

I think I actually came across as someone with good social skills but not enough technical skills. In fact, it's usually the opposite - I don't have trouble figuring out the technology - it's the people skills that sometimes pose a problem for me.

Well, it's only one interview and I should not be discouraged. You never know with interviews.

This morning I went to the library and worked more on the system in my book, Get Hired Now. I downloaded the worksheets and started filling them out.

One goal of having this system is to have a concrete plan for each day's job search. That's a good idea for me, as I try a little of this, a little of that and then give up, unfortunately.

The book says you should focus on just a few areas of job searching at a time, and keep pursuing these areas for 28 days before changing the plan. Then you get results because of 'persistence effect'. Voodoo magic - but the authors claim they have seen it work over and over again.

You choose from various menus and sub-menus of activities to plan your month. I charged ahead, but ended up misreading something and completing the sheet incorrectly. At which point I gave up in frustration.

No, actually, I'm just taking a breather and will return to it tomorrow.

My area of effort is 'Generating contacts and leads' and part of that is attending events, like I did on the weekend.

In other news, I learned a sad thing yesterday. My former psychiatrist passed away. I tried to get a prescription renewed, and his phone had been disconnected, so I looked him up and he had passed away. I don't think he was even 60.

Even though I was angry with him and he did misdiagnose me, I know he was trying to help. I did have many appointments with him about nine years ago, and got to know him well.

May he rest in peace.

So now I will need to be med free, unless I find another psych. I don't take a lot of medication, only a small amount in emergencies, but it's awfully helpful when I need it.

Art: Canadian Association of Aboriginal Entrepreneurship

Networking lessons

Following through on my vow to increase my socializing and perhaps even network, Sunday I went to a meetup lunch in an Indian restaurant in a market area downtown. Twenty-five complete strangers and moi.

I was full of anticipatory anxiety, but had no real excuse to keep me from going. Depression, fatigue and anxiety were all more or less under control. I did make a last ditch attempt to have a friend come with me, but she declined, so off I went by myself.

I didn't do too badly. I'd say my social skills have really improved in the last three years especially. At one time, I would rather have been shot at dawn (or something) than go to an event full of strangers. But if I'm ever to get a job or a date, job being a tad more urgent, I'm going to have to get my butt out that door and talking to people.

We were all sitting at two very long tables. The good thing with this is everyone does want to introduce themselves and they wish to chit chat. So it's not like trying to talk to people who maybe don't want to be disturbed.

I sat next to a good looking Turkish man, across from an older gentleman with glasses, and on the other side one half of a couple. The couple were an academic and his much younger girlfriend. The girlfriend was very shy and talked in a very soft voice, and seemed enthralled whenever the prof voiced his opinions, which was often. Sigh. I felt sorry for her and irritated by him. I hate it when these 'clever' type of men with good jobs hitch up with younger, insecure women who worship  their intellect. Well, that could be my own background coming through.

I talked a lot with the Turkish man, who was very outgoing and actually pretty funny too. He's not for me, but it was a relief to have someone to chat with. The couple spent quite a bit of time chatting with each other, so that left not a lot of opportunity at first to talk with them. Why bother going to an event, then sitting with a significant other, and chatting as if you were alone in Starbucks? Whoa - i'm in a snippy mood.

It is very hard for me, but I was as social as anyone else. I even tried drawing the girlfriend out a bit, and she whispered a bit with me. The older man wanted to talk about other meetups he'd been to, and about beer, and would have talked about his Nikon camera but I didn't ask him about it.

The Turkish fellow said he owned a franchise of schools up in the north of the province, and had just returned from there. Towards the end of the lunch, he launched into a very detailed argument with the professor about American politics. I made a few comments, but mostly just ate and let them hash it out. I have found that middle eastern men are extremely interested in the ins and outs of politics, both foreign and domestic.

My lunch was really nice - saag paneer, my favorite, with a delicious slightly salty nan. That's a creamy spinach dish with soft unripened cheese and freshly baked flat-bread, in case you're not familiar with Indian food.

At the end, I gave my business card to the shy girlfriend, as she is in web-design, somewhat related to tech writing, and the older gentleman, who gave me his. I didn't give one to handsome outgoing Turkish guy because I thought he might misunderstand....Silly, maybe, but men do.

I've been reading about networking, and this is not exactly what you're supposed to do apparently. It's better to find people you think maybe can help you, and find some way of helping them. So I have to get other people's cards, if I think they can help me or we have established common ground, and then I can follow up. Without follow up, nothing happens - we just forget each other.

Sigh. It's all very complex. But it's a learning process, and my first step is to get out there and keep polishing those social skills. Probably it would have been better not to judge that couple. It's none of my business anyway. I need to concentrate on just being positive perhaps. But this prof didn't like me either. So it was a two way street? But perhaps if I hadn't judged him he would have liked me.

Also, I paid for the lunch from my business account. Networking is business, I think. We'll see what the tax guy thinks at the end of the year. Makes me feel better about the expense.

Art: Dinner at the Swan, Robert Beck

Job hunting

I have been re-thinking my job-hunting approach. Well, for the last two days anyway. I got a book out of the library, which has a kind of complicated plan for getting work. One big tip though which comes through throughout is that to get work, you need to know people. If you don't know people, start meeting them.

The book basically advises not to bother with ads in papers or internet. This has not been my only approach, but it's been a big part of it. And for all the ads I've answered in the last two months, how many responses have I received? None.

So that seems to be correct - ads are not getting me anywhere. The purpose they serve though is to make me believe I'm doing something. If I stop answering ads, what chance do I have? How can I believe I am trying?

It is a relief though to give up on ads. Because sending out resumes in this pathetically futile way is beyond depressing and hopeless. I need to focus on something that might help me.

Well, not sure what that is to tell the truth. But I signed up for a bunch of networking groups today, and also a hiking group and signed up for a movie outing. At least I'll be out meeting people.

Though who knows if when it comes down to it, I'll be able to make myself go? I hope I will go. I need to picture going out to events as a good and positive thing where I may have fun, and at worst, nothing dangerous will happen. I will be fine, even if I don't have fun.

Tomorrow I have an interview which I got through a recruiter. It's for a company I've worked for before, though I don't know the interviewer. All they have to do is walk along the floor and ask my former managers what they think....

Today I was depressed from therapy. No EMDR but we talked about my family which believe me, is very depressing. I am maybe grieving that I never had a family who loved me. But this is grown-up stuff - I'm not full of the emotions that a child would have felt. It's quite different - not as overwhelming. It's me the grown-up who had a difficult time as a child.

But I did not prepare for the interview. I just didn't care much. I do desperately want work, but couldn't overcome the depression enough to prepare for this interview. Though I am trying to visualize it positively, as a good conversation, with a pleasant person who is pleased to meet me.

I think the best I can do is to try and cheer up enough to seem like a normal person with some social skills. At least I bought the suit, so I don't have to worry about what to wear. Maybe I'll take along one manual I've written, instead of dragging in a portfolio. They haven't asked to see writing samples anyway, so one will do. I can see to that in the morning.

In this very large company, being personable is huge - they are very big on conveying professionalism and being able to seamlessly fit in. Never seem different or in any way abrasive. So being in a good friendly mood is big.

A lot will depend on who interviews me - I bet all the candidates will be qualified, so it will come down to who the guy wants. Most likely.

Anyway my plan for the future is to go to more events and meet people. Of course it costs money to go out, so if I truly run out of money, I won't be able to continue. But I figure it may be a good investment to keep going out. With  a few business cards tucked in my wallet just in case.

I did get my last job because I knew a developer, met at a support group of all things. But I figure I'll have an even better chance if I hang out with more functional type people at regular events. I'll pretend to be normal and functional. Maybe it'll take.